Highland Highlights, Pt. 1: Food and Drink

Number of Polish delis and restaurants in Edinburgh: too many to count. And it was strange to be on a Lothian 26 bus and hear a pair of women chattering away in front of me, only to realize that they were chattering away in Polish. I can't speak Polish, but my grandfather can. I kept wishing he were there with us to translate. And to see places like "Poliski Smak" (on Leith Walk) in the photo above.

Best thing I ate: Oat cakes. Seriously love them. The Bride thought they tasted like wallpaper, but I could have eaten them the entire trip.

Most disgusting thing I (almost) ate: a deep-fried hamburger. Imagine a pale pink meat patty, barely grilled, then dipped into this corn-dog like batter and then served up with thick, starchy chips (fries) heavy enough to use in sandbags. Two bites and I was done.

Best drink: Balvenie single malt scotch, with a splash of water. Don't give me shit about the water, okay? It's how I like it.

Worst drink: Irn-Bru. Made from girders, my ass. Tastes like it's made from the bastard child of orange Flintstones chewable vitamins and strained Gatorade.

Favorite fish and chips: Not saying I sampled them all, but I really enjoyed the fried Haddock over at the Blue Bean Coffeehouse in Portobello.

Favorite pub food: The hummus and pita at Milne's on Rose Street. Paired nicely with a Guinness.

Best pizza: Mama's, over in Grassmarket. We had it plain, but they'll also slap on stuff like chocolate and marshmallow, if you're the kind of person who likes to defile perfectly good pizza before consuming it.

Favorite bar: Tie between Espy's in Portobello and the Oxford over in New Town. Espy's had these great oversized couches, excellent burgers (note: NOT deep-fried) and a good selection of beer. The Oxford was fun because it was a throwback old man bar, and okay, I admit it: I was curious to check it out after hearing about it for so long in Ian Rankin novels.

Favorite candy (children's division): You know how crack addicts really like crack? That's how my kids felt about the Whipsa bar from Cadbury. Say the word "whispa" to them now is like saying "whiskey and whores" to sailors.

Favorite candy (adult division): I grew fond of the disgestive biscuits that were coated in chocolate on one side. Can't remember the brand name. The only way to improve this snack: replace the biscuit part with OAT CAKES.

Best display window horror lunch: Oink on Victoria Street in Old Town, which displays the warm, pungent remains of that day's special (sorry, Porky) right there in the front window... head still very much attached. My daughter cried; I thought the pig's sweet, tender flesh was delicious.

Favorite crisps: Walkers cheese and onion. But I'm sad that I wasn't able to sample some of the more exotic varieties advertised, such as Turkey and Stuffing, Prawn Cocktail and Lamb and Mint. And considering the large number of Poles in the area, shouldn't Walkers offer a Smoked Kielbasa crisp?